It’s not like I didn’t try to quit drinking. In my chaotic traversing of alcoholism, I tried the traditional method of going to AA, a program that has benefitted millions.
Ironically, and maybe someone out there can enlighten me as to if this is with intent, but the AA center I went to was in the same parking lot as a bar – which my mind can see the pro and cons…. like I’m sure you can as well.
I went to a few meetings. Those meetings felt awkward and not by any fault of the center’s own doing. I had this imposter syndrome; mixed feelings, which I get mixed feelings are a default.
But I felt like an imposter from hearing these stories of those in recovery. How much more severe the depths of the bottom many had reached compared to me; how much harder it was for them to pull themselves out of the dark; how much stronger they were to me…..
What the hell kind of right did I have being there. Compared to others, my struggles with the “bottle” should be a walk in the park to overcome. If anyone deserved to hear “Dude just stop drinking, you are not a victim” surely it was me in comparison to others tell their stories.
Yes, I know the degree of struggle doesn’t matter to AA – there’s hope for everyone. The resources is for all.
But this was how my addiction manipulated me; made me not only feel like an imposter but derailed my hopes for an opportunity of long-term sobriety at that time by telling me “See, you don’t need to quit. You are not that bad!”
And that’s how the attempt at sobriety end back then.
And I made the only choice a prisoner of this disease could make… I walked across the parking lot.
